Friday, February 3, 2012

NOT CARING: FINDING EXISTENCE WITH NOTHING

Caring was my addiction. I cared so much that I psychotically controlled everything to avoid fat gain. Because I cared about being thin, fat gain was what I thought was hell, and what I thought would be the death of my value.   CRAZY.    When I made the choice to not commit suicide, I knew I would have to submit to the fact that when I let go of control, my worst nightmare would happen and I had to just assume I was going to end up weighing 600 pounds.

I decided not to care, and to accept obesity if that was indeed the result. I chose to put my ego aside, and to instead trust that if I were to listen to my body, and give it a chance to lead the way, that I was willing to find out what the outcome would be. I would not eat without hunger, I would not control what and how much I ate, I wouldn't judge the food (which always ended in shame, fear and guilt), and I would never again exercise to compensate or to relieve the anxiety. I would surrender my control, feel the physical anguish that was inevitable, and let that feeling of death win. The fight wasn't worth it and the only way out of the battle was to surrender my control.

I had nothing to lose because the only other way out was physical death. So I wept on the floor, sobbed as the anguish manifested, and I watched it from afar. I lifted my arms, closed my eyes, and fell backwards over the cliff. It was the cold, damp, dark and cavernous cliff I was running away from. I knew it would cause my emotional death and my loss of existence. The loss of what I thought defined who I was.

Who would I be if I didn't judge my body? If I didn't judge, that meant I couldn't have a definition of value, and there wouldn't be rules that I had to follow to feel better about myself. That meant I would have to create my value from within, because if there was a formulated rule or definition to follow, I would still be a slave to the vulnerability of judgment. If I were to live I would have to let go of judgment, and find peace with something inside my soul that existed without judgement, without someone else to tell me what it requires, without needing to do anything to achieve it. Falling from the cliff required I let go of all outward definition of value, and despite what rejection and judgment others way entitle upon my value, I would have to not care.
Not caring saved my life. It forced me to seek an existence that didn't require validation from any person, action, or object. My soul exists beyond what my body physically can define. No other person, religion, culture, nor energy of this world could create a fake version of what I am, can duplicate what is me, nor is it possible for me to give you a definition it. I exist. I am undefinable. I am beyond what anything that exists can explain.

In that awareness, I cannot define you. I don't judge your soul because you are unique to me, and your existence would diminish if I even attempted to define or control you. I unconditionally love myself, therefore I don't need you to feel better about me. I have no void for you to fill, and I accept all that you are and all that you're not. Because I don't care, I am innately happy. I can live in life without being define by my clothes, make-up, job, and what I do or don't attain. I am creating my own happiness so I can share. I can give and I don't have any expectation or need reward in return. That existence doesn't change. It just exists and there is no need to improve it.

13 comments:

  1. Robin--this is so good. I want to be in this place where you are--not caring, not requiring outside validation. It's such a foreign concept to me. Death to emotional self is so scary, but necessary.

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